Journal 1/30 | Romanticizing Purpose and Life

 I haven't done this in a while, so this is a challenge to post 30 quality journals, I am holding myself to a challenge: journal every day for 30 minutes (or less if I get better) and post 30 throughout the year. As I continue my job search, I've begun to recognize two constants in my life. 

The first is that I feed off of my wins. It's kind of like hitchhiking in this manner. Hundreds of people pass you by and the person that comes to stop gives you a jolt of excitement and hope. This is not to say that I want to be desperate-- even though I am sometimes. But it's the small wins that keep me going. I'm quick to forget the mundane, shitty, miserable moments of my life because I know it only takes one decision to turn that around. Perhaps this is a bad state of mind to be in because lots of people encourage incremental growth (and I guess this journal is ironically an example of such an attempt) but I truly believe life is a series of decisions and the beauty behind that is that everyone is in charge of their own choices. 

The second constant is that I constantly find myself searching for a greater purpose. Maybe this is because my generation is able to express themselves so freely and reach so many people that this type of sentiment is more common in contrast to older generations that are currently in the workforce. And maybe purpose is something that you also choose to find once you're in a fixed position. It's a crippling philosophical quandary that truly doesn't help me much. Do I choose what impact I want to have before I finalize a role or is that elitist bullshit? Who am I to demand work that's more meaningful to the people around me? I'm just a wee little college graduate who suffers from the demons in his head. 

Recently, I've been interviewing for investment banking positions, and quite surprisingly, I like it. I like the fact that it requires work just for the interview-- I have to study A LOT-- and while people say it's the type of job where you have no life, it seems more of a life to me right now than what I'm currently living. Maybe this comes across as the prologue to a miserable trage-comedy. I sure hope not. But what I'm beginning to realize is that I can't seem to listen to traditional advice. I don't think I have traditional values, didn't grow up in a traditional household, and most definitely don't have a traditional dream for my life. And so I learn more about myself and how I react by simply putting myself in situations where I can grow. I'm only going to have a handful of jobs in my life so pandering to general advice seems a little misguided. 

This is the same for finding a partner. I don't want to gamify my online profile to meet someone on a random dating app and then play games just because it works in attracting someone on a general level. I'm a bit old-fashioned in this sense but ideally, I learn about myself while dating great people and eventually commit to one amazing individual that I can grow with and build a life with. And that end goal has nothing to do with attraction really. I'm not looking to choose from 10 different options-- I'm looking for the 1 person I really want to put my heart out on the table for to reciprocate in some manner...

Maybe I've watched too many Love Actually clips lately. 



Clocking out-- 18 minutes. 


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